The infamous Prodigal Son’s father joins us in the role of Agony Uncle this week. He’s seen it all and heard it all, and now he’s here to answer your parenting queries.
Q: My child keeps asking me to give him his inheritance already, despite me being very much alive and with a good number of years left (I hope). I know what he’s like: he’ll just fritter it away on booze and sex. What should I do?
Concerned, Canterbury
A: Dear Concerned of Canterbury: I say, give it to him. Yes, he’ll probably blow it. He may well make a tremendous mess of things. The important thing is, he knows where you are, and can return at any point. Make it clear, your son will always be welcomed home with open arms – and then give him the money with no strings attached. It’s important that you don’t set conditions: your love for your son is such that you just give – certainly that was my experience. I give freely to all my children, without setting conditions on what they do with what I’ve given them. If he uses the inheritance wisely, that’s great. If not, be there for him when it all goes wrong.
Q: I gave my son an early inheritance, and he blew it. Now he’s come grovelling back, penniless and a physical wreck. I suspect he only returned because he ran out of money – if he still had cash left, I wouldn’t have heard from him at all. What should I do?
Annoyed, Streatham
A: Dear Annoyed of Streatham: Throw a party for him. Invite all your friends, relatives and neighbours. Your son was lost, and now he is restored to you! This is not a moment for suspicion, resentment or blame. Your son has learned a great deal while he’s been gone, and your response now will cement that learning for better or worse: love him. Even more: celebrate him. Rejoice in him. Show him that your house is a place where love is not dependent on good behaviour.
Q: I recently had a child return to me after being away. This child took my money and disgraced himself. Despite this, I have welcomed him home. However, I have a second child – older and more sensible in character. He resents his brother. He says I’m not harsh enough. I’m worried he won’t forgive me, and will become consumed with bitterness. I love him so much – what should I do?Heartbroken, York
A: Dear Heartbroken of York: Reassure your eldest child that you would love to throw a party for him at any time he’d like. Ensure he knows that this has always been the case. Do all you can to reassure him that he is as precious to you as the younger child; remind him that you have withheld nothing from him. Look for ways to affirm and comfort him so that he truly knows in his heart that all you have is already his. Let him know that he needs to ask for what he’d like – just as his younger brother did. Finally, accept that your children are different in character, and keep loving them both unconditionally.
Q: My two sons are demanding, in different ways, but they have one thing in common: neither of them is ever satisfied. How can I parent two such different temperaments?
Helpless, Dorset
A: Dear Helpless of Dorset: I’m glad you asked me this. It’s so important to accept people’s different temperaments: they were made uniquely, and they need to be treated as such. Never being satisfied may seem like a bad thing, but actually it can be just the trigger for positive growth and deeper relationship. Encourage your sons to share their hopes, dreams, plans and goals with you. Tell them they can ask you to help them – indeed, that you’re longing to help them! And then, let them choose their paths. This freedom of choice leads to true relationship: blind obedience through fear or habit is pointless. Rejoice in their differences, and love them, love them, love them!
A final word from our Agony Uncle:
From the moment your kids are born, you realise that they have the power to bring you joy or to break your heart. This is, unfortunately, the deal. It’s free will. Although it’s scary, it’s actually the only way to have an authentic relationship with your kids. You will love your kids so much that you may find yourself giving them what they ask for, even when they don’t need it or it does them no good: I did this. But that’s just me. I can’t help it – I’m just too full of love for my kids. Perhaps some parenting gurus might say I spoiled them, but all I can say is I loved them, unconditionally. And, when it all went wrong for them, the unconditional love continued. Call it grace, call it mercy – it’s all wrapped up in love.
It’s not possible to love someone too much; only too little. Never let your love be mean, judgemental, critical, unforgiving or unequal. Let it lift up, build up, celebrate, rejoice, give out and welcome home.
You can’t control your kids, but you can love them. That’s the approach I’ve always taken – and I always will.
Photo Credits:
Man and Baby in Sunset Photo by Jude Beck on Unsplash
Money down the Toilet Photo by fran hogan on Unsplash
Angry Face Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash
Crowd Surfing Photo by Zach Lucero on Unsplash
Storm Trooper and Darth Vader as kids Photo by Daniel Cheung on Unsplash
Hug Photo by Joseph Gonzalez on Unsplash